I’ve tried to write a blog post about what is happening in my life for days /weeks now. I have failed miserably.
Every time I’ve sat down to write something I’ve either stared at the screen for what seems like hours or ended up in tears. Tears of frustration mostly, and I think I finally realized why I was so stuck – I was trying to compartmentalize all four major things that are happening right now. I’ve tried to write about each one separately, to give them their own weight in value, which they all completely deserve, but they’re all very much connected and causing a tangled web of emotion.
My mom almost died
I was going to be 38 and have no parents. I was going to have to stand at my mom’s funeral looking out to the same faces I stood in front of 4 years ago when my dad died. I could see this scene all over again, it was clear as day.
“This can’t be happening again” spun around in my head like a broken record.
After a terrifying health scare that left my mom in a coma with a 50/50 chance of surviving in January, you could say that 2016 came rushing in like a freight train. This situation was all too familiar and eerily similar to what happened when I got the call that my dad had been in a motorcycle accident.
I couldn’t see the difference here and I knew exactly how this ended. Luckily, there was a big difference this time, there was hope. There was a chance that my mom would recover, with my dad there was no hope.
I can only assume that someone pulled out the rule book and said “Oh wait…two tragic and unexpected deaths cannot happen to the same girl – let’s bring her Mom back.”
I do not want to downplay the impact that this has had and is still having on me – there are things that will haunt me forever, but my mom survived and is at home doing very well.
I am drained.
I just sold Savvy Sassy Moms
That’s right. A blog that I started eight years ago from a small desk in my laundry room just SOLD. In the midst of dealing with my mom almost dying, I had a moment of absolute clarity driving home from the hospital one night. I’ve gone back and forth with wanting to sell Savvy Sassy Moms for two years now. The fire was already burning, I just finally had the courage to throw a little gasoline on the damn fire.
I’ve changed, I’ve evolved and I want more.
I am wildly different from when I started Savvy Sassy Moms eight years ago and I know that I’ve got something bigger and better brewing inside of me. When every fiber of your being is telling you that something needs to change and you are ready for something else, sometimes you just have to say fuck it, close your eyes and jump!
What am I going to do now? Nothing. I just bought myself some time to think about that.
Don’t worry, I have plenty of ideas, dreams and schemes….but I’m signing a one year “Lady of Leisure” contract which states I cannot start another business for a year…
I am free.
We’re moving to Spain
When we got back from spending the holidays in the States, we had a clear focus for 2016 – move to Spain! This obviously took an immediate backseat when my moms health was critical, and for a week or two this was possibly off the table all together. Then it was going to just be postponed a little bit, maybe we would wait six months or another year.
Do we still go? Do we stay in Costa Rica? Do we move to Minnesota? Maybe we move to New York, Colorado or back to Los Angeles…? Gah.
It’s funny how when something is about to be taken away from you – you realize how badly you want it.
The urgency to figure this out now had to be done because applying for schools and starting our Visa paperwork has to be strategically planned and scheduled, which is enough to make anyone crazy – let alone someone under an overwhelming amount of emotional stress.
We decided that moving forward with our plans to move to Spain was still the best decision for our family and so we’d hustle and get there by August so the kids could start school on time. We could still do this!
“The adventure continues”, a few people have said to us, and some people might be wondering when we’ll return home to the States, but Harris and I have designed a life that we love. This is not some wild or temporary adventure – it’s just our awesome life.
I am excited.
We’re leaving Costa Rica
Moving to Spain means we are leaving Costa Rica in five months and it is weighing heavy on my heart. In three short years we have built a life here, surrounded by like-minded people that see the world and life as special as we do. This experience has exceeded my expectations and without a doubt has changed our family for the better.
Leaving Costa Rica is going to be rough and I am bracing myself for the emotional goodbyes. I honestly can’t even write about it right now.
I am sad.
The last three months have been filled with some of the most difficult days of my life, and this was just the cliff notes people! However, I am not a person who fades. You throw challenging circumstances my way, I don’t sit on the couch and cry into a pint of ice cream. I actually do the complete opposite – I get fired up, and I get moving.
I don’t compete with anyone but myself and if I’m getting my ass kicked, I fight back. Nothing is going to take away my happiness, my hard work, my determination, or my joy. If the Universe wants to pick a fight with me again, you can bet that I’ll STILL come out better on the other side.